DEVINE RANTING 11.3

   GOOD MORNING LADIES AND GENTLEMAN... TODAY I'D LIKE TO BRIEFLY ADDRESS AN OBVIOUS ISSUE THAT I HAVE WITH GLOBOGYMS. EVEN PRIOR TO MY INVOLVEMENT WITH CROSSFIT, I BATTLED WITH THE TRADITIONAL GYM.
   AT ONE OF THE FIRST GYMS I JOINED, RACKS AND MACHINES WOULD BE OCCUPIED FOR HOURS AT A TIME BY MEATHEADS THAT WOULD HAVE TO TAKE 20 MINUTES BETWEEN SETS TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES IN THE MIRRORS, ADJUST THEIR WRIST WRAPS, MAKE SURE THEIR SCROTUMS WERE STILL ATTATCHED, GET EACH OTHER ALL FIRED UP AND THEN MAKE THEIR LIFT. I QUICKLY LOST INTEREST.
   AT THE NEXT GYM, ONE OF THE CO-OWNERS MADE MONEY ON THE SIDE SELLING PREPAID LEGAL. FAR BE IT FOR ME TO JUDGE HIM FOR DOING SO. NONETHELESS, NOT A SINGLE CLIENT COULD WALK THROUGH THE DOOR WITHOUT HIM MAKING A PITCH TO PURCHASE IT. IT WAS SUCH A SOURCE OF ADDITIONAL STRESS TO MANY CLIENTS THAT IT BECAME THEIR SOLE REASON FOR DEPARTING FROM THE FACILITY.
   AND THEN THERE WAS W.O.W.- THE SUBJECT OF MY NEW T SHIRTS. I JOINED THERE OUT OF CONVENIENCE AND THE NEED TO WORKOUT SOMEWHERE. IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE WE BEGAN FIGHTING. I REPEATEDLY CONFRONTED FOR DROPPING OR AGRESSIVELY SETTING DOWN THEIR RUBBER COATED PLATES ON THEIR RUBBER FLOORS OR RUBBER SIDED LIFTING PLATFORMS. EVEN AFTER I MADE DRASTIC ATTEMPTS TO CONFORM TO THEIR RULES, I STARTED GETTING HAGGLED FOR USING CHAULK- AN ITEM THAT ONLY AIDS WITH GRIP AND SAFETY IN A GYM. IT WASN'T SOON AFTER THAT THIS COCKY, MOM-VAN DRIVING LOSER THAT WORKED THE COUNTER AND TRIED TO GIVE EVERYONE FITNESS ADVICE CALLED ME OVER TO THE DESK. HE BROKE OUT A RULE SHEET. ON IT INCLUDED ALL OF THE CROSSFIT-ORIENTED CULTURAL CHARACTERISTICS THAT I WAS PERFORMING IN VIOLATION. I HAD TO LAUGH MY ASS OF THOUGH WHEN I READ THE BOLD PRINT THAT STATED "THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY ZERO TOLERANCE FOR STEROID USE OR DISTRIBUTION..." I FOUND THE ITEM AMUSING DUE TO THE FACT THAT ONE OF THEIR STAFF MEMBERS WAS THE ONE SELLING THEM.
     IT WASN'T UNTIL RECENTLY THAT I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO BREAK FREE FROM THEIR CLUTCHES BY SENDING A SIGNED LETTER VIA CERTIFIED MAIL TO THEIR MAIN GYM. THEY LOVE DRAGGING YOU INTO THESE CONTRACTS SO THAT WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW USELESS THEIR "HEALTH CLUB", YOU CAN'T GET OUT!
    AND THEN I JOINED A BOX WHICH I WILL KEEP NAMELESS... I SIGNED UP WITH ONE OF THE ENTHUSIASTIC OWNERS THAT ADVERTISED VARIOUS OPEN GYM TIMES AND SEEMED TO BE THE REAL DEAL. OVER THE COURSE OF MY FIRST 6 MONTHS, I WOULD SHOW UP DURING DESIGNATED OPEN GYM TIMES AND THE GYM WOULD BE CLOSED. I WOULD CONTACT THE OWNER WHO WOULD RESPOND, "I DON'T KNOW, I'M IN NEW YORK..." WHEN I'D ASK HIM WHERE THE OTHER OWNERS WERE, HE'D RESPOND, "PROBABLY OUT TO LUNCH..." I REMEMBER ASKING MYSELF HOW MUCH SH_T I'D BE IN IF SOMEONE CALLED THE FIREHOUSE  OR 911 REPORTING AN EMERGENCY TO GET THE RESPONSE, "YEA, THEY'RE OUT TO LUNCH..."
   THIS WAS JUST THE START. AS A LEVEL 1 CERT, I WOULD PICK OUT COMMENTS THAT TRAINERS WOULD MAKE. NOW, DIFFERENCE IN OPINION IS ONE THING, BUT BESTOWING FLAWED FACTS ONTO CLIENTS IS ANOTHER. THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY OF A LEADER IS TO ADMIT IT WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER TO A QUESTION RATHER THAT PRODUCE A FLAWED ONE. FAMOUS COMMENTS THAT DERIVED FROM THIS BOX WERE...

"IF YOU'RE FAILING THE LIFT, JUST GO HEAVIER TO BREAK YOUR PLATEAU..."
THE FOLLOWING WAS POST TABATA DRILLS... ANYONE WHOSE DONE THEM CAN TELL YOU ITS WRONG

"TABATA IS GOING TO BE THE EASIEST THING YOU DO HERE!!!"

THIS ONE WAS TO A WHOLE CLASS PERFORMING FRONT SQUATS WHO COULDN'T EVEN AIR SQUAT PROPERLY...

"YOU SHOULD NEVER TRY TO FRONT SQUAT ANYTHING YOU CAN'T POWER CLEAN..."

WHHHHHHAAAAT???

IN FACT, THE FRONT SQUAT SHOULD BE A RELATIVE GAUGE AS TO WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T CLEAN. FOR INSTANCE, MY PR FRONT SQUAT IS 245 AND MY PR CLEAN IS 225. THE COMMENT ABOVE IS INVERTED.

MORAL: NOT ALL CROSSFITS ARE CREATED EQUAL.

SO HERE IS THE LONG STORY MADE SHORT.

WE DON'T USE MIRRORS BECAUSE WE 1) DON'T WANT PEOPLE STARING AT THEMSELVES WHEN THEY SHOULD BE WORKING OUT AND 2) DON'T WANT TO PROVIDE A VISUAL QUE FOR SOMEONE TO CORRECT A LIFT. YOU SHOULD BE FORCED TO RECOGNIZE TECHNIQUE BY FEELING IT, NOT LOOKING FOR IT. IN THE EXTERIOR WORLD, YOU'LL HAVE NO MIRRORS.

WE USE CHAULK BECAUSE IT REMOVES MOISTURE FROM YOUR HANDS. WHEN IT COMES TO KIPPING PULLUPS, VARIOUS OLYMPIC LIFTS, AND ROPE CLIMBS, IT IS STRONGLY ENCOURAGED BECAUSE IT INCREASES SAFETY. IF YOU LOSE YOUR GRIP DURING A KIP, YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT.

WE DON'T HAVE AIR CONDITIONING BECAUSE WE WANT TO ENCOURAGE YOUR BODY TO HEAT/COOL ITSELF EFFICIENTLY AND NATURALLY. FURTHERMORE, WE WANT YOU TO BE READY TO WORK IN THE ENVIRONMENT THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO. TRUST ME, IF I COULD METCON IN A STRUCTURE FIRE I WOULD.

WE DROP WEIGHTS AND USE RUBBER PLATES BECAUSE MANY LIFTING INJURIES COME DURING UNCONTROLLED ECCENTRIC CONTRACTIONS, FAILED LIFTS, OR WHILE SETTING THE WEIGHT DOWN. DOING THIS ALSO SAVES TIME AND ENERGY DURING METCONS AND ENSURES THE BEST TIME FOR YOU.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN BOOTCAMPS BECAUSE CROSSFIT IS UNIVERSALLY SCALABLE. THAT MEANS THAT MY MOM CAN AND WILL DO THE SAME WORKOUT THAT I DO- JUST WITH CERTAIN MODIFICATIONS. I THINK BOOTCAMPS ARE JUST ANOTHER WAY FOR SOME PLACES TO SQUEEZE MONEY OUT OF YOU.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS AND P90X...

1) TONY HORTON CAN'T JUMP THROUGH THE SCREEN AND TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE SCREWING UP ON

2) ARE MOVEMENTS ARE FUNCTIONAL AND USEFUL IN THE REAL WORLD. THERE DON'T LOOK LIKE THE SIDEWALK OLYMPICS AT A FRIDAY NIGHT DUI CHECKPOINT. WE AIM TO INCREASE POWER IN YOUR DAILY LIFE AND IMPROVE OTHER HUMAN FUNCTIONS SUCH AS SPEED, BALANCE, FLEXIBILITY, ENDURANCE, STAMINA, STRENGTH, AGILITY, AND COORDINATION.

3) OUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVES ARE NOT "BEACH BODIES", ALTHOUGH MOST OF US END UP WITH THEM...

ANYWAY, I'M DONE FOR THE DAY... HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ONE.